Message To Food Network

Dear Food Network,

Is everything okay? I am worried about you. As a former Food Network addict, I am concerned with the current state your channel. Your once food and recipe centered programming, has turned into an amateur hour of zombies and recipes not suited for check out lane booklets. If you need someone to talk to let me know. Until then, I have some tough love to share to help you out of your funk.

Here are some of my notes for your programming:

The Neely’s: Overbearing wife and gay husband neither of whom can cook. As owners of a southern BBQ joint, I don’t even trust them to make decent BBQ. Now they are awkwardly trying their hands at World cuisine and lettuce wraps? It’s a mess. Shut it down.

Cookin' For Real: Is the title implying that other shows are not really cooking, or is it a white person's idea of urban appeal? I like Sunny Anderson and believe that she actually likes food, but am bored by her. Her styling is a mess and seriously needs the help of hair and wardrobe people. She also needs a better overall look to the show and a gimmick or storyline for the segments for structure. Give her an occasion or someone to cook for that will make it feel less like she is just cooking for cameras in fake kitchen.

Chopped: My best guess is that this is meant to be Ted Allen's version of Top Chef. Ted Allen is off-putting. He is too tightly wound and passionless to get me excited about food. Stop hiring him to host. You need someone who can bring the food and flavors to life given that we can't smell or taste what is happening. The idea for this show is good, but poorly organized. I need some effort made into making the judges and contestants interesting. As it stands, I don't really care who wins or what feedback is given.

Ask Aida: A random skinny girl fields questions from her stuffy gay internet friend with his laptop. In a word, awkward. I feel like the hosts are from an amateur improv troop or public speaking class. At times it is painful to watch. I don't get the feeling that either of them loves food or being on television and it shows.

Ultimate Recipe Showdown: The show needs better production value and more personal stories to have me routing for contestants. The concept is good and the recipes generally look pretty good, but I am still bored. It should also be said that I had the Ultimate Recipe Showdown winning Mac and cheese recipe at TGIFridays and it was inedibly bad. I'm talking bland, watery, and overcooked. Food Network should be careful about putting its name on such horrible food.

Last Cake Standing: The concept is good and I am giving it a chance. I like that they are showing pastry chefs with talent rather than Duff and his band of Styrofoam jockeys, but the production is a little disjointed. I need a Tim Gunn type to come around and talk to the chefs about their work. I also want to feel more connected to the chefs as people.

Paula's Party: Paula is one of the few talents that exudes a love of food. She is clearly an asset to your channel. The show itself is a little awkward and relies too much on butter humor, but is better than your other attempts at shows with a studio audience. Still, Paula works best in her own surroundings as a real person. Get her back in her own kitchen as much as possible.

Barefoot Contessa: Bless that crazy lush. I love her life and her food. I don't even care that she keeps giving us the same recipes again and again. She loves food and makes good stuff. Find more people like her. I love a caterer. They make great food in simple and well-organized ways for the masses. I trust them. The Hardy Boys, while dull, made great food too. Hire more caterers!

Rachael Ray: She makes such consistently good and easy food that her sometimes-annoying quirks can be overlooked. She is the glue that holds your brand together. Even with one foot out the door, her own magazine, daily show, and all of the other crazy shit you are throwing at her she delivers. Without her you are in serious trouble.

Comments

[Jeff]

There has been a shift in programming.

[Kate]

I was 100% with you up until Rachel Ray. That woman annoys the hell out of me and frankly I've seen her make some disgusting dishes that leave you wondering just what the hell she was smoking.

I think you also overlooked Alton Brown, who is one of the few remaining reasons I tune in to Food Network nowadays. Also, Guy Fieri wasn't tooo bad but they just kept increasing the cheese factor until I couldn't stand him anymore. Robert Irvine is quality, but they haven't been showing Dinner Impossible as much. Also, I love Giada DeLaurentis ... even though she's a skinnybitch. Her recipes are authentic and look delicious and make me slightly angry at her for never gaining any weight!.. but she's so darn cute :) I'd take her over Rachel Ray any day!

[Bloghungry]

Kate,

I'm a big fan of Alton Brown. Guy and Robert are okay.

I used to love Giada, but I turned a corner with her about a year ago and don't trust her anymore. She's a crazy bitch. Don't let her fool you. She's made some good eats but keep her at arms length.

I understand everyone disliking "the Rach" but I stand by my girl.

[Lynn]

There are more chefs you're forgeting.

[Bloghungry]

I was focusing mainly on the new people, but now that you mention it..

Tyler Florence is cute and his Ultimates show is pretty genius.

Bobby Flay comes off as a complete jerk/douche. I don't like his man-grill show but I like to see him lose on Throwdown.

Mario Batali comes off as an even bigger jerk/douche. I can't even watch his show. I also think his restaurant Mozza is highly overrated and partially blame him for the darkside of Giada.

Sandra Lee isn't even worth talking about..

Ellie Krieger is not to be trusted.

Ingrid Hoffmann on Simply Delicioso seems to make mediocre Americanized Mexican food, but I love that she can freeze and unfreeze time on her show.

Emeril seems like a nice guy and makes solid food if you can get passed the "bam"ness of his shtick.

Marc Summers is good on unwrapped.

Al Roker is fine but feels out of place on the food network.

[george]

Being a self taught caterer and restauranteur for the past 23 years, I feel your pain. The Food Network, of late, has lost its essence. The only show I watch with regularity is Barefoot Contessa, but it does seem rehashed lately.

[Sean]

Amen. I want Martha back in a best of Martha Stewart Living Television; even if it's early mornings or late; I need substance and stability. I learned how to cook, bake, and plant a garden with Ms. Martha. Preach on...

Sean

[Mike]

Guy Fieri Rocks! His personality is as alive as his food. In a word he is a hip cook that loves food, people and his family. The one man & one talent that is "What you see is what you get" on and off the TV. Had the pleasure of meeting him a few times at Food shows & in the Network Studio. He is and pardon the pun "The Real Deal". From his restaurants to his love for sharing food with people ya gotta luv this honest down to earth Guy. His recipes on Big Bite take a few minutes to prepare but well worth it, and very tasty.
Keep Rockin it!...Keep on Cuttin!...and always try something new!
Mike

[Stevers]

I must say I agree with your comments and thoughts about the Food Network - lately I tune in to see whats on and basically tune right back out. I do love "Good Eats" at 8:00pm and am thankful for that. Seems like all the real cooking shows are run now during business hours so I never get a chance to see any of them.

As far as "Last Cake Standing" I agree with your review - it is interesting at least. It would be AMAZING if they would do a "cake show" featuring some of these designers teaching techniques and such for creating super nifty special cakes that one could make in their own kitchen and to serve 8-12 people and not 600!

Thanks for letting me put my 2 cents in....

-Stevers

[Charles]

and Nigella... they need to give Nigella more airings as befits a goddess

[cnykitchencook]

Give me the good ol' days--
TWO HOT TAMALES-- my favorite

I do like ALTON BROWN, though (kinda like Bill Nye the Science Guy mixed with The FRUGAL GOURMET)
But nobody could replace the venerable (may she rest in peace) breathless Julia Child.

[Blobby]

Oh thank g-d! I thought *I* was the only one to think Mr. Neely was on the DL.

As for Ina - love her, but you're right. Got it: chocolate w/coffee in it. Any kind of Gratain (sp). Scones, chicken and anything w/lemon zest.

Alton brown has gone from cooking w/science to schlock-fest. Hate him anymore.

And who'd eat one cake that Ace of Cakes make? I don't eat PVC....pipe maybe.....

[joanh]

LOL. Awesome. Food Network should totally hire you. You just need to pitch some new show ideas! Haven't seen any of these new shows.

[Sean]

You couldn't be righter about Chopped. I so want to like it, but Ted Allen's personality is somewhere between a robot and a drill sargeant. He's always hollering, or perhaps barking. The judges come off as cold and, again, robotic. And the food combinations they throw at the contestants are bizarre for the sake of being bizarre, and unappetizing. Such a waste.

[FoodieInDisguise]

Watching the Food Network lately I have to agree with you on most of your observations. I luv Alton Brown and I watch Barefoot Contessa without fail and DVR her show all the time. Jamie Oliver's show is off again and I really enjoyed his last series. I find myslef connecting with Nigella. The network continues to call itself a lifestyle channel, go back to being a cooking channel.

I still find myself watching my even more favorites on PBS like Gourmet's Diary of a Foodie, Rick Bayless, Lidia Bastianich, Jose Andreas and MIng Tsai.

I have had a distaste for Ted Allen for years. I keep hoping that he's gain a personality, but he never does.

[jp2506]

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[Fat Queer]

I grew up on old school food network. We are talking formative teenage years.

Besides Alton B. and a couple others, the network isn't offering much these days. I long for re-runs of Two Hot Tamales and Ready Set Cook, hell, I'd even take Hot Off The Gill with Bobby Flay (and Jackie Malouf) before he got all pompous and acting like he owns the place.

[Gilbert Galvan]

right on the money!

[jiaying]

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